Betrayals-let downs-break ups-unrequited emotions-misunderstandings-avoided confrontations. Just so many expressions to signify one thing, and one thing only- PAIN. And all those people who came up with all these terms, sure as hell had a lot of time on their hands.
For the longest time I lived with the feeling of having a messy life where I did not have a single solitary thing in a place where it should be. Nothing working out the way I pictured it to, decadent people letting me down, people stepping back to look after their interests first instead of standing by me, for me. A sordid chaos was what it was and there was I in the epicenter of it all putting up a farce that I am graceful about it all, that it was okay and that I understood. And that charade went on till I knew I would have to give up my sanity if I went on with the circus any longer. And so I chose to give up.
Thinking and hoping and waiting and trying to give the impression that you are going to be there on their side of the bank whenever they felt like walking up to you. And all that was drilling a hole in my heart, that kept getting bigger and bigger. I had chosen to push myself in a loop where my life, inspite of all its bright spots just kept looking empty. I still chose to keep that wrong facade up, hoping sunshine to come by my street someday and purge a life. But still nothing happened. Nothing ever happened.
And then one fine summery morning, my conscience came calling by and told me to quit. Turn away from it all and focus on other things that I had never given much credit that they could infuse meaning into an abysmal hypocritical existence. She told me to change plans, create goals, generate ambitions, dream big and utterly and totally reject any prospects that spoke to me of an ordinary life. And I think that was one of the finest mornings I have woken up to in a long long time.
Happier and saner, looking ahead, with a mind free of haunting and a heart free of skeletons I have put to rest, here I am. I have changed my street, repainted my walls and put them up, on their right side for once, up for the sun to come shining by and he comes everyday!
Everyday he trickles in into my dainty pretty kitchen through my east facing window, where every Sunday we say hello as I set the pot for some ginger flavored green tea in my olive colored vintage mug I am fanatically possessive about. Everyday he floats by my living room, that gripes in dire need of some furniture, as I sit down on the floor, back from work, and read the day's newspaper. Everyday he breezes by my boho bedroom that dons fuschia and pink lilies on the wall standing behind a candy pink hand painted wicker book shelf; and while I am doing my hair we smile through my mirror; acknowledging what a beautiful day it is.
And I want to keep seeing him, right this way, everyday for the rest of my life, no matter what the weather is outside and what street I am in. I am gonna pull the plug on that part of my gray matter that works only to bring me home a bagful of pain and enjoy the every phase my life trespasses into, whenever it does. Peeling layers of skin from an injury never helps, I think rather settling down with a scar for life is a better option. I'm gonna take that.
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